Comic relief 2009 and other LOL inducing oneshots
by Eimin - The Eternal Sleep
Summary: it's comic relief and ... Emmett stop gluing that nose to Jasper's face! Ahem sorry... anyways this is a twilight fanfic for comic relief! Hope you enjoy! R&R PLZ! This is now a collection of funny twilight oneshots.
1. Chapter 1: Comic Relief 2009

**It's comic RELIEF! :)**

**So I have written a fanfiction for it. Me and my friends named our red noses weird stuff like beanbag (mine) and forehead and many others so this is my fanfic for it!**

**I don't know if they have comic relief in America... but anyways here is the fanfiction.**

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**Jasper's POV**

We were following the humans stupid tradition of comic relief. I understood the saving people part, but why did they make such a sport of it?! Carlisle had insisted that we all appeared just as exited about comic relief as the mindless humans were. I had tried, at first I wore my red nose every day like a pointless religeon but the degradation of it sent me into spirals of boredom. My moody appearance did nothing to curb Alice or Emmett's enjoyment of the 'festival' however so I watched them both running about in excitement; the current style of red noses plastered to their faces.

Emmett - my most excitable brother - came up to me with a big beaming smile lighting his face. He produced a red nose from his pocket and dumped it into my unwilling hand. "This one's called Beanbag!" he shouted happily as I stared at the little foam object in revulsion. It sat on my palm for a couple of minutes before Emmett snatched it and tried to force it onto my nose.

"Ow! Emmett what the heck?!" I protested vehemently as he pinned my arms down with one of his and with the other tried to force the tiny red object onto my nose. Unbeknown to me, he had applied superglue to the centre of the nose and when he finally pushed it successfully onto my nose, it stuck there.

"What the heck?! I repeated and then scowled "Emmett you _superglued _this foul object to my nose!"

By now Emmett was in hysterics. He looked like he was choking - which I would cheerfully have done to him at this point if it would have affected him at all.

"I-I superglued the nose t-to your n-n-nose!" he managed to squeal out through his hysterical laughter.

At this point Alice walked over. "What's happened?" she asked, staring at Emmett rolling with laughter on the floor and then at my murderously enraged, red nose-clad expression.

"I-I superglued the nose to Ja-Jazz's face!" he choked out between giggles. My beloved's bell-like laughter trilled out across the room - perfect.

Abruptly, her face turned serious. "Come here Jazz" she smiled at me. I walked forwards; unable to stay angry at her for more than a second. Besides, it was Emmett who had done this to me and he would _pay _for his mistake. I stopped just in front of her and she leaned up and - with out too much difficulty - wrenched most of the foam nose from my face. Stubborn pieces of scarlet fluff stuck to my nose and - at this sight - Emmett flew into more hysterical laughter. It looked like the taunting grin would soon permanently be etched into his skin.

"If the wind changes your face will stay like that" I mocked bitterly.

"So, everyone loves smiling!" he grinned at me.

"Well yeah, but then you would look like a short-haired, idiotic version of Micheal Jackson" I clarified "You would scare any kids you passed."

Emmett's face fell into a sulky, child like expression as I grinned at him. Alice pulled me over to the sofa and kissed my scarlet-clad nose. "Well at least you have some colour in your face now!" She laughed "You're more human already!" I smiled absently with her; sharing her light-hearted, happy aura for one moment. Then I let my smile drop. She half-heartedly lifted up the corners of my mouth with her dainty little fingers and then let them fall. I tried to hold my smile there for her but I felt it drop. She stared at me for an immeasurable moment before kissing me sweetly on the lips. I _did _smile at her this time and she smiled back. "There!" she laughed "You are now absolutely perfect."

Obviously, our perfect little moment was ruined by the arrival of the _dog. _His wet smell grated at my nostrils. He appeared looking both very happy and very sad and was holding - dammit - another one of those infuriating _noses._ He looked at it like it was the centre of his world and I felt my mouth pop open at the perfect love of his movement.

He didn't need to say it. The dog had _imprinted on the nose_. Lovely. What a natural couple. It pained me to think of what Renesmee's reaction to this would be. As if hearing her call, Nessie danced happily into the room.

"Jacob!" she shouted happily - like the dog had a name - and launched herself into his arms. He looked uncomfortable as he held her at arms length. "Jacob?" she repeated, a question in her voice. "I-imprinted-on-two-things!" he shouted. Nessie froze in his hands and I felt a surge of hatred claw up my throat. I felt the venom well in my mouth as I held back a growl.

I hated comic right now for hurting Renesmee's feelings. I snarled at Jacob, slipping into a crouch.

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**Although comic relief is almost over I will write another chappy if people want me to. I may however leave this as a oneshot i am not sure... Bye!**


	2. Chapter 2: Don't touch the army suit!

**I decided to turn this instead into a series of oneshots!**

**Hope you like the second oneshot I wrote. I was ill so this may not be good.**

**Please R&R!**

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**Don't touch the army suit**

The large white Cullen house was almost completely silent. Only the minuscule sound of the television hummed in the background, the sound so low that to humans it would be utterly unintelligible.

In the living room Edward and Bella were curled up on the sofa and inbetween them, their daughter Renesmee was uncomfortably wedged. Edward and Bella were kissing enthusiastically and Renesmee rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"Get a room" she muttered in her high soprano.

Edward and Bella laughed at her surly expression.

Alice sat curled up on the sofa like a cat; but with her eyes still open. Her expression was blank and unfocused but her nose remained wrinkled, due largely to the presense of Jacob, who constantly emitted a repelling smell to vampires. Esme was singing upstairs and Carlisle was away at work, goring another patient. Emmett could be heard screeching in a torturously childish voice in the kitchen and they heard gunshots that seemed far too loud to be fictional.

"DIE CONFADERATES!" He boomed; the racket he was making shook the house.

Jasper opened the door and walked in, his hair filled with raindrops from the previous hunting trip. He shook his dripping hair out of his eyes and glared at each of them in turn - except Alice.

"So..." He accused, "Which of you finds it amusing to steal my old civil war army suit."

"No idea uncle Jazzy" Nessie smiled.

Suddenly another defaning roar of "DIE!" sounded through the air like a gunshot. Emmett proceeded to giggle like a schoolgirl before he exploded into loud, raucous laughter.

"I'm-betting-it's-Emmett!" Alice giggled cheerfully, the individual words becoming blurred due to hyperness.

Jasper snarled and picked up a knife that conviniently rested on a table nearby.

"Hey, where did the knife come from?" Bella asked fearfully as she looked around. Edward's eyes smoldered in her direction and she abruptly became hypnotised.

"Yes master?" she stated blankly.

"I don't actually know Bella" Jasper answered her previous question; using his ability to retain the little sanity she had left, "It is quite creepy; it's like someone... drew it on the table and it became animated..." he shuddered delicately.

Jasper, Alice, Edward and Bella (Jacob was asleep) turned towards the window. Sure enough, a small vampire was perched there. Only fourteen years of age, she had straight brown hair cascading down her back like a waterfall and slightly smaller than average eyes that were a scorching ocher. (Yes it's ME! I am not wearing glasses 'cause vampires don't need them. YAY!) In her right hand, she held the pencil from spongebob squarepants that brought things to like. In her left, she held a piece of shortbread.

"I am the author and you shall do as I draw or write!" she laughed, exultant. She threw a smoke bomb to the floor. Everyone coughed once, then she was gone.

"That was... disturbing" Jasper stated before he clutched the knife more securely in his hand.

"Jasper!" Alice screeched.

"Yes, my beloved sugar-crazed pixie?" He smiled, watching her bounce off the walls singing 'I'm a little teapot' in a complicated harmony.

"KNIFE-KILL-WON'T-EMMETT!" She screamed, getting her words muddled due to hyperness.

Jasper thought for a minute before bringing the knife to his mouth. The tip melted as it glistened with venom.

Jasper stalked out of the room. There was a high-pitched, childish scream then a sickening stabbing sound. Emmett walked into the room; the knife lodged between his shoulder blades. He scowled and thundered off.

Jasper strode into the room, only to be faced by Alice's adorable pout in his face.

"Jazz won't you please...play dress up...with _me?" _She asked, slipping into full-blown pout mode. Jasper sighed and allowed himself to be dragged upstairs. Two minutes later, he was dressed in a pink tux with a confused memory as to how he got there. He pulled at the cuffs nervously as Alice approached him with a can of hairspray...

Edward - taking advantage of the fact that, apart from Nessie and the sleeping Jacob, he and Bella were alone - did his smouldering hypnosis again.

"Yes master?" Bella asked, detached.

"Bang your head repeatedly against the wall"

Bella obliged and let out ear-splitting yelps between head smashes.

"Lol" Edward smiled, "I love vampire eyes."

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**I had writer's block whilst I wrote this which is why I wrote it.**

**Hope you enjoy, just a bit of fun! I might write more if you like it.**


	3. Chapter 3: Brothers stick together Pt1

**Disclaimer: I really don't own twilight... or the idea that I got from Family Guy**

**The other day we were in Cre8 (a writer group at my school) and my friend Parsley organised a starter activity.**

**We had to write about an assassin washed up on an island and my other friend Elle said "Is this guy fit?"**

**Parsley replied, "Of course he's fit, he kills people doesn't he. He's an _assassin_." So yeah, can't fight the logic...**

**On with the story!**

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**Brother's stick together - literally: Part 1**

**Edward's POV**

I was cuddled up with my wonderful wife and my glorious daughter when the most disgusting, yet drowsy smell hit my nostrils. I untangled myself from the gathering and went to tell my brother - for the _twelfth_ time today - that glue was not a toy and Esme had forbidden him to _look _at it, never mind touch it. I walked across the tastefully decorated hall and stopped in front of Emmett's room.

"Emmett!" I shouted from behind the door.

Why did I wait at the door? Simple, I didn't want to see Emmett in just his boxers because he's forgotten to dress himself _again! _Especially since whenever this occurred Emmett screamed 'ARGH! He's eye-raping me!' and ran from the room pretending to cry. Sad.

I ran my fingers through my tousled bronze hair and rapped on the door with my knuckles. No answer. "Emmett" I cautioned slowly, "I'm coming in now!"

"'Kay" Emmett replied, unfazed from whatever he was doing with the glue.

I gritted my teeth and flung the door open. The sight that met me would have made me vomit if I was still human.

Emmett was there, dressed like Shakira and holding the superglue like a fountain above his head. The sticky vomit filed out of the tube; coating everything with a layer of glue. That wasn't the worst part. He was dancing to Hips Don't Lie.

"ARGH!" I yelled, shielding my eyes from the horrific sight, "Emmett put some god damn clothes on!"

Emmett looked hurt, his bottom lip jutted out as he protested, "But I am wearing clothes... this time."

"They aren't clothes Emmett, they're scraps of lace glued together!"

"So?"

"So go get changed_ before _I go blind!" I screeched at him, "And don't mess with the superglue, you know what happened last time!" I shuddered as I remembered Red Nose Day.

"What the heck is going on here?" A new voice asked from the hallway. "I've got so much _anger _in my system that I can't hear myself think." Jasper made the mistake of walking into the room.

"No! Jasper don't" I protested, trying to save him from the torture.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Jasper yelled, shielding his eyes from the image. But it was too late; I could hear the mental image swimming in his head. "Ew..."

_Hahahahaha! Eddie's tortured with mental images and Jazzy's 'feminine problem' makes him feel double the embarrassment. Cool! _Emmett laughed in his head.

"Ew... Edward stop mind-raping me" Emmett said childishly. I sighed and grabbed his arm, meaning to force him out of the room so we could clear this mess up, preferably _before _Esme got home. Jasper gripped his other arm and together we heaved him out of the door. I attempted to pull my arm back but it resisted of it's own accord, shoving Emmett in the process.

"Okay, I'm going, I'm _going_ for god's sake!"

"Shut up, Emmett!" I yelled, jerking my arm backwards again. Nothing... "Jasper?" I asked "Pull your arm backwards." Jasper complied and his tug sent Emmett skidding backwards a few steps.

"No!" Jasper yelped "I can't move!" Then we noticed the sticky substance clinging desperately to Emmett's skin.

"Superglue..." we sighed together, then louder "EMMETT!"

"Whoops" Emmett grinned, his massive frame shaking with suppressed laughter.

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"So let me get this straight" Carlisle said for what was the fourth time today. "Not only is Emmett dressed as Shakira" - Carlisle shuddered - "But your all stuck together with superglue. Am I right?"

"Yes" I sighed, staring at the ground shamefully.

"Yes" Jasper repeated, looking as forlorn and depressed as me.

"Yep!" Emmett grinned without a shadow of remorse in his eyes or in his tone, "Now my brothers will _have _to play with me!"

"Oh no..." I shuddered, fearfully.

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**This is part one, part two will be coming in a few days. What cruel stuff can happen to Eddie and Jazz. You'll have to wait to find out! Please R&R**


	4. Chapter 4: Supervision

**Disclaimer: I really don't own twilight**

**I know that you wanted part 2 of Brothers stick together - literally but I don't have any ideas for that right now... If you could post some ideas for it in your reviews, it would really help! All I've got so far is all of them trying to play _twister _when they're stuck together.**

**I got asked if I was Emmett's long lost twin... I take this AS A COMPLIMENT!**

**On with the story!**

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**Supervision**

Police sirens wailed past the Cullen mansion, screeching like devils. Carlisle sighed as the sound drilled into his eardrums. "Ow," he complained as he flicked aimlessly through the channels. The 'children' were at school and Carlisle had nothing to do. He was so used to shouting at them for trivial things that without them here, life was quite boring.

A news report caught his eye. "Oh...shit!" Carlisle yelped, releasing one of his rare profanities. "Esme! Get here quick!"

Esme was downstairs in a whirl of caramel hair. She was currently obsessed with the 'gangsta' style and therefore was clad in baggy, faded jeans, a white t-shirt - displaying something that she would kill the kids if they repeated - and a lopsided baseball cap. "Yo" she said, ruining the effect by smiling. When she looked at the television, she gasped and dropped her baseball cap.

"School terror after blood testing, multiple homicide committed by 'vampires'." The headline read whilst the newsreader blared about how it was unholy.

The vampires quickly abandoned the T.V and rushed outside to the sleek, black Mercedes; Esme sobbing tearlessly because she had dropped her baseball cap and got it dusty.

When they arrived at the school, it was a mess. Bodies lay strewn across the grass and half of the building had collapsed pitifully. Jasper was being loaded into a mental asylum van, blood trickling down his chin. Edward smiled and said in a winning voice "Hahahahahahhahaha! I got Mike! I got Mike!"

Meanwhile, Emmett had proceeded to smash a man-in-white against a wall. "That's for telling me fairies aren't real!" He sobbed before running off to cry.

"We _need _to give them parental supervision..." Carlisle sighed.

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**Sorry this one isn't funny, I was bored and had nothing better to do. (Sad huh?) Anyways the next one will be better; Adios!**


	5. Chapter 5: Brothers stick together pt2

**Disclaimer: Don't own twilight or any of it's characters. Or family guy (Where I got the idea). Or - sadly - my own tube of extra-strong adhesive (superglue to you and me.)**

**Thanks to: jamstar4eva and twilightaholic77297 for reviewing the last chapter; thank you!**

**This is part 2 of brothers stick together - literally with the game of _twister_!I will do a part 3 if anyone gives me any ideas in their reviews so REVIEW PEOPLES!!!**

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**Brothers stick together - literally part 2: Twister**

**Jasper's POV**

Death.

It comes to everyone, twisting and turning - sometimes delayed - but always looming over life. Like a vulture. Or a speeding train, heavy and unmovable. **(A/N: Except to vampires lol) **As I sat on the sofa with my arm super glued to Emmett's and my other arm wrapped around Alice I knew that I'd been staring death in the face for too long. It was my time.

In the middle of the room was a seemingly innocent mat with _twister _littered across it in bold letters. Emmett gazed at it with a grin; a sort of sadistic reverence. My eyes met Edward's and I could see that he too, was scared. His eyes were wide and he gulped slightly.

_I'll stop this, _I thought, knowing he could hear as I picked up a large, metal ornament. Lifting it quickly and quietly, I slammed it hard into Emmett's thick skull.

_CLANG! _The ornament made a satisfying noise as it crashed into it's target. A large dent - shaped exactly to the shape of Emmett's head - formed on the cold metal.

"What was _that _for?!" Emmett complained loudly.

"Organising _this_" I snarled back.

"Oh cool!" Emmett yelled, looking at the exact face-print of his own head.

"MINE!" Rosalie screeched, half-demented and frothing from the mouth. Evidently, she was missing Emmett at 'nights'. **(A/N: to slow people; sex) **She rushed out of the room murmuring what sounded like "My pressuse," and stroking the ornament.

"It's all set up," Carlisle murmured nervously to us.

"Great!" Emmett boomed delightedly jumping up and attempting to pull us with him. Alice wriggled out of my arm but I stayed where I was. So did Edward. "Oh, COME ON!" Emmett whined at us in a nursery child's voice. "It'll be fun!"

Yeah fun. Otherwise known as getting yourself set up for embarrassment. I _wasn't _going to move.

I scowled up at my 'older brother' as I attempted to get my arm back unsuccessfully. Emmett and his crazy ideas; he acted like he was seven not - technically - around seventy.

Emmett - being the strongest vampire in the house and also _Emmett _- jerked me and Edward's arms forwards. Unsurprisingly, we ended up crashing to the floor with a thunderous _BANG!_

"Ow," I complained, pushing my hair out of the way of my eyes, "What was that for?"

"You wouldn't come," he grinned, snorting like a stuffed pig.

With as much dignity as I could muster, I hauled myself to my feet. "Okay..." I sighed.

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It was brutal. Within five minutes we were crushed into a tangled heap. Oblivious to this, Emmett continued to grin delightedly. The worst thing was, he was still wearing the Shakira costume. Ew...

"Right foot yellow," Carlisle decreed.

_How?! _I thought savagely, _I can scarcely move!_

"I know," Edward's muffled voice came from somewhere in the tangled heap, "Just hurry up."

I jerked my foot reflectively towards the yellow side. "Ow!" Emmett protested as I 'accidentally' kicked him in the shins. Suddenly, my balance wavered (due mainly to the superglue) and I crashed to the floor. Seconds later, Edward also tottered and fell.

"YAY!" Emmett screeched, "I WIN!"

He jumped up - naturally forgetting that we were stuck to him - and started doing a victory dance.

His arms swung wildly through the air and we went with them; Edward hitting an antique mahogany table and me hitting an ancient, _expensive_ oak cabinet. Glass fell in little shards. It wasn't painful but it was unpleasant. My ears rang as Esme screamed; not because we might be hurt, but because we had broken the table _and_ the cabinet.

"GO TO YOUR ROOMS!" She screeched then paused, "ROOM!"

"Damn," Emmett giggled as we went upstairs.

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**Yeah, this is the only idea I had so... Hope you like ;)**


	6. Author's note Important! Please vote!

**_Author's note (Important! Please vote!)_**

**In my next chapter of BST (Brothers stick together) it is about hunting, an idea given to me by ZareenBlack!**

**I want to know do you want this chapter in:**

**Emmett's POV**

**Edward's POV**

**Jasper's POV**

**Or another POV (Please tell me what the POV is)**

**Whichever wins - er - wins and I will do the chapter in that Point Of View.**

**Cheers,**

**Kitty (The Southern Newborn)**


	7. Chapter 7: Gary the Greenfly

**I really can't be bothered to write the other chapter of BST yet so that will be next chapter.**

**I got this idea in Physics when Joe found a greenfly on his science book and named him 'Gary.' Unfortunately, he accidentally killed Gary so this is dedicated to *sob* Gary's memory! *Goes to cry in corner.* **

**Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine. Although book-Jasper does live in the back of my head. (Don't ask! It's not good for anyone's mental health.)**

**So... On with the story!**

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**Gary The Greenfly**

Warm milk had more appeal than this particular lesson did. The seniors sat in a tepid stupor, listening to Mrs Varnes droning on about Nuclear Fission. "...And the neutron collides with the nucleus to form an unstable isotope, which splits in two then explodes, thus completing the Nuclear Fission..." A collective yawn echoed around the classroom, only to be broken by Emmett Cullen's frantic screaming.

"It's a greenfly! A _greenfly_! Wow it's so cute! Jazz look at the pretty greenfly!" Jasper found himself just inches from a tiny green insect that scuttled across the palm of Emmett's hand in terror.

"Yeah, yeah..." Jasper sighed, too used to his brother's bizarre fascination with - well - pretty much anything, to get irritated about the little creature.

"I'm gonna name him Jeremy! No..." Emmett paused for a minute, scrunching his face up in intense concentration. "I'm gonna name him... GARY! Gary the greenfly!" Emmett whooped whilst Jasper attempted to find the reason why God hated him so much.

"Rose! Look at the greenfly! It's so prettyful!" Emmett crowed to his wife, who was sitting right in front of him.

"That's nice dear," Rosalie sighed quietly as she stared at the repulsive insect in Emmett's palm.

Emmett dropped it. "Where is he?" he whimpered quietly, sobbing tearlessly, "where's Gary?" His bottom lip jutted out a little as he dived under the table, sending it flying.

"EMMETT CULLEN!" Mrs Varner cried "what in the world do you think you're_ doing_?!"

"Lookin' for a pen." Emmett's muffled voice came from near the floor.

"Well hurry up!" The teacher decreed.

When she finally walked away, Emmett emerged from beneath the upturned desk. "Gary's twitching..." he mumbled sadly.

"It's dying, you must have squashed it," Jasper sighed, poking the dying corpse with his pinkie finger.

Emmett swelled like a bullfrog "He is a HE not an IT!" He screeched at Jasper before cradling the limp creature in his hand. "I'll save you Gary!" he yelled before inconspicuously biting the insect. It started to twitch and convulse in his palm, like it was having a fit. If it could have spoken at all, it would have been screeching in agony. Jasper and Rosalie sighed in synchronisation.

The greenfly's transformation lasted a shorter time than a human's. By the end of the lesson, it had stopped twitching and was gazing at them with thirsty blood red eyes. It jumped on Jacob (who was in the room for NO reason) and started draining him completely of blood.

"Pest control?" Jasper murmured into a sleek black cell-phone, "yes, we have rather a _big _problem here..."

Emmett just laughed as Jacob screamed.

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**Like I said, don't ask. Just don't! Definitely not good for ANYONE'S mental health!**

**See ya next chappy!**

**Ja ne! (Informal goodbye in Japanease)**


	8. Chapter 8: Does this make me look fat?

**So... this is REALLY short but I had to write it!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight... unsurprisingly...**

**On with the story! *Does peace sign and smiles...evilly***

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**Does this make me look fat?**

Bangs and crashes echoed throughout the Cullen mansion, keeping in rhythm with Alice Cullen's enraged shrieking. Edward's music was silenced by the defaning noise. He paused halfway through playing 'Esme's favorite' and stared at the living room door where the noise originated.

"I'm sorry, I'M SORRY!" Emmett's voice frantically begged from inside and Edward sighed.

Jasper emerged from the room, looking shaken.

Edward turned to him. "Did Emmett say it again?" He asked sympathetically.

"Yeah..." Jasper exhaled slowly. "He doesn't seem to realise that the only correct answer to Alice's question of: 'does this make me look fat?' is 'no, of course not'."

"Esme's not going to be very happy" Jasper continued. "Alice is throwing all of her fine bone china," he sighed.

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**Like I said, really short but I just had to post it!**


	9. Chapter 9: Yes Yes it does

**ZareenBlack suggested that I do a 2nd chapter to 'does this make me look fat?' where it shows Emmett saying the dreaded answer to Alice and because I don't want to refuse a request, I am going to do it... so enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight... Just my ideas and daft jokes...**

**So, on with the story!**

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**Yes. Yes it does.**

Alice danced happily in front of an ornately carved Victorian mirror. She pirouetted in front of it, looking at her shimmery silver dress that floated about her body like a calm waterfall. A small frown puckered her face as she stopped dancing.

"Jazz," she asked quietly. "Does this make me look fat?"

Jasper stood up and walked over to her, putting his arms around her and resting his head in the hollow of her shoulder. "No. Of course it doesn't. You look enchanting as always." He kissed her throat.

"You'd say that if I were dressed in rags with my face _covered _in mud!" She laughed.

"Probably," Jasper agreed.

Alice turned around. "Emmett, do I look fat?"

Jasper widened his eyes at Emmett, trying to convey a warning to him to remind him to say the right thing. Emmett utterly ignored this advice and a sly grin slowly spread over his features and his eyes sparkled. "Yes," he grinned. "Yes it does."

Jasper stiffened and looked at Emmett in acute alarm. He shook his head and mouthed, 'don't say that!' Then, he slowly looked at Alice.

Her posture was stiff, her golden eyes blazing. Her words were almost incoherent, "w-what... did... you... just... s-say?!"

Jasper quickly unwound himself from his tight embrace with Alice. "You started _this," _he yelped. "I'm not involved..." He quickly walked out of the room.

Emmett's gaze returned to Alice. She was shaking with visible anger, her tiny frame quivered with it as she bared her teeth threateningly.

"How dare you tell me I'm FAT!" she screeched, her voice ripping through two octaves.

"Umm...Err...Sorry," Emmett whimpered.

She threw a chair at him. "YOU IDIOT!"

"I'm sorry, I'M SORRY!" Emmett repented, shielding himself with his arms as bits of twisted metal, mahogany and fine bone china rained down on him.

Half an hour later, Alice had been dragged away - screaming and swearing and making death threats in thin air - by a moody Edward and a terrified Jasper, who rolled his eyes as if to say 'I told you so.' Emmett picked up his twitching arm and reattached it to his body with a sickening scraping sound. He was visibly shaken.

"Never, ever again..." He whimpered in pain.

And two weeks later, the Cullen mansion rang out with more swearing, and Emmett Cullen's frantic screaming. He never learns his lesson...

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**Hope you enjoy my stupid comedy stories that I love to write!**

**Good bye!**


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